Posts Tagged ‘Pix’
Mar 10
23
No one hates kids more than I do. Without question. No one is combatting that.
But if you’re gonna have ‘em, please (please, please, please) do your best to NOT create a FSKA (Future Serial Killers of America).
Quit fucking with ‘em is what I’m saying here.
Stop sucking the joy outta major staples of childhood. The most basic of pleasures.
Cereal.
Should kids really be more concerned with fiber content than with the toy inside or the puzzles and riddles outside?
We’ve talked before about sticking fiber where it don’t fucking belong but this is the line.
This is it!
Fruit Loops?
Count Chocula would have kicked the ass of [err, sucked the blood of] anyone even suggesting that they place a bigass fiber ribbon on his box.
See that thing in the bottom right-hand corner? That’s where the prize is described. 3 Monster Stamps.
Three kewler-than-life Monster Stamps.
NOT FIBER DAMMIT!
Stop: Did you get in trouble for digging to the bottom as soon as you open the box? Me too. You never could get that bag to sit right once you dug to the bottom. But when you’re a kid you don’t give two shits.
And they shouldn’t give two shits. They’re kids.
Anyway, what I’m saying is, kids should be more concerned with the toy than anything having to do with their doodie hole. Okay?
More Count Chocula, less doodie hole, at the breakfast table.
Mar 10
17
Silver Alerts. Or Elderly Alerts. Whatever you want to call it.
Houston is clustered with these sort of signs every 15 feet ‘coz there is traffic or an accident/obstruction or other such nonsense every 15 feet in Houston.
When you live in a city that is home to 6.4 million people, traffic and construction never, ever ceases. It merely moves around is all.
The signs are handy as hell but the Silver Alerts kinda bother me. And by “kinda”, I mean “A LOT”.
These people are grown-ups. They can go wherever the fuck they feel like going.
Right?
Obviously not.
Parents force their kids to do what THEY want and then the kids grow up and force the parents to do what THEY then want.
So parents of today, be nice to your kids for they will be the one choosing your retirement home and constant care needs. Or, should I say, NOT choosing your retirement home and constant care needs.
Those “elderly” people aren’t missing – they ran away.
From their badass kids.
Feb 10
23
I was tagged by Patti at Book Addict, who was tagged by Lea at Closetwriter, who was tagged by Ms.M at Moonlight to Twilight before her.
Those Gutter Girls started it with “we all have our favorite book boyfriends and now you have the chance to create one just for yourself and your fantasies!” How do you play? Fill out the quiz bellow, post a picture of sexy man and tag five (5) other book addicts to do the same. Don’t forget to pop to their blogs and let them know they have been tagged! Once tagged… you have do do the same, grab the button, answer the questions, and keep it rolling! But don’t forget the picture of your BOOYAH.
1- Hair color and style
Color/ Black.
Style/Morrissey.
The original Robert Pattinson.
Both of ‘em look like milk in a sausage sleeve.
Am I right or am I right?
2- Eye color and facial features
Black eyes, black lashes. Brow dark from shadow and fester.
Black eye from not taking no shit off’n nobody.
3- Height and body type
6′3″ minimum. Lean. Swimmer’s body. Smooth skin free of blemish, free of hair.
4- Visible age
28.
Old enough to not get blackout drunk on a Tuesday. Young enough to not hyperventilate nor need medical attention after a romp in the hypothetical hay. Old enough to not live with his parents. Young enough to call in sick – from the bar – at 4:30am – and not give a shit about the repercussions.
5- Bangability ie: kinky/bi/size
He IS kinky/
He IS bi/
[for the sack of the children, the deacon father-in-law and the family as a whole, I'll refrain from posting the pic I would LOVE to for fear of freaking them all right the fuck out]
His size IS/
6- Human or other
I know it is very cliche, very right now, very trendy but if he is to be my BOOYAH fantasy book boyfriend, then he is vampire. He walks with the starlit breeze and his fangs would slip into my flesh like warm butter.
7- Paranormal skills
He’d be my Jasper (Twilight).
He would feel my frustration, my impatience, my short-temperedness (which is, let’s be frank, all the time). He would IMMEDIATELY reach out to me. Petting and cooing me into a total and utter state of relaxation, one that even Somas cannot produce.
8- Interests
I want to see nothing but the back of dusty jeans on weekends. Thick neck shoved under the hood of a muscle car. POLISHING the valve covers, SANDING the cam, GREASING the shaft. Nothing but NOS, 4-barreled carbs and five-point restraints.
9- Habitat
A lair? Haha – I just had to say it!!!
In all seriousness, I don’t handle cold well. It would need to be someplace where the temperature never drops below 65°. Ever.
10- Special skills
*see soda can*
I tag:
1- …
2- …
3- …
4- …
5- …
Hmmm, seems I got a pretty sad list there.
Unlike Book Addict Patti and the others who have participated in this endeavor, I have no adoring fans and people, as a whole, just plain ol’ don’t like me so I guess the buck kinda does stop here.
But man-o-man what a ride!!
Feb 10
19
A co-worker recently started dating a fellow so, of course, me being me, I was all up in her bidness about the scoop.
You know – THE scoop.
THE scoop we women always say we never talk about while blushing appropriately. Yes, that exact scoop.
Let me explain why it is important to get THE scoop early on in the game.
Reason being there is a proportionate increase/decrease as to the level of bullshit we women will tolerate as a direct result of THE scoop.
If you haven’t been paying attention or know absolutely nothing about woman, I am talking about the penis.
Yes, we woman do talk about the size of your penis.
And remember all those times we said size don’t matter and we still love you anyway?
Yeh, we were lying.
It matters.
Not like we won’t still date you or even marry you but, as stated above, there is a proportionate reduction as to the amount of bullshit we will tolerate and it is directly linked to the use, size, swing and function of the penis.
Dick so hard a cat caint scratch it? You are allowed to burn down the house.
Driven hard over the back of the couch with the blinds open? Feel free to shoot the president in the face.
Small snickerdoodle? Then you making my fucking breakfast and you better consider yourself lucky I let you stay here.
Or maybe you have a fully functioning mouth like this one:
Then maybe you can stay.
Maybe.
Feb 10
16
Oh lover how I miss you still.
I taste your memory on nights when I drink too much wine.
Those sparse evenings when I couldn’t resist … those moments when stress and habit and instant gratification took over … when I just didn’t give a fuck … not one single bit of a fuck … were some of the best of my life.
I know you’ll never let me go. Never allow me to be completely free.
Once you showered in my precancerous cells, there was no retreat. You cannot deny and I cannot resist.
Oh lover, I missed you before you were gone.
While a mere eleven months have passed, I still think of you fondly but your abuse I must profess and your disease I must flee.
I am confident I am stronger than you oh lover. I have the will power to slip but not fall.
Even now I love you still.
Only not more than me. Only not more than Michael.
Never that much.