Archive for the ‘Read Something’ Category

IT’S WHO DAT NOT BOO DAT!

4 Comments »
Michael and I got “Boooo”ed at Wal-Mart for sporting our Saints gear.
Twice.
I had on my Shockey jersey; Michael had on his WHO DAT t-shirt (gotta get this boy a proper jersey!).
Why Shockey?
Dat’s why.
The first half of my day Saturday was spent volunteering at the Houston Public Library warehouse.
This was my first visit to the warehouse and I was as nervous as a whore in church.
I wanted to help AND be a part of the library “in” crowd.
The “in” crowd being aged 70 and older!  There were canes and walkers and hover ’rounds all over the damned place!
I was the youngest person there.
Well, except for this one guy who gave off a heavy serial killer vibe who never really looked at me but, rather, shot quick glances from under thick, black lashes.
I was given a brief tour by a lovely lady named Monica who, you could tell, was trying to find the best place to put my able hands to work.
When I told her that I was from New Orleans and had moved to Houston after Katrina, she exclaimed “GREAT, we’ll put you in African Studies.”
What – the – fuck.
You saying ‘coz I’m from New Orleans I have a certain familiarity with the blacks?  True, yes, but it don’t make it any less inappropriate.
While I wouldn’t say that I had fun, it was easy to see they need sturdy hands, a strong back and someone who is not afraid to get their hands dirty.
Well, you got it.
Next time though, next time I’ll take an allergy pill BEFOREHAND.  I walked in the door and immediately sneezed.
The second half of my Saturday was spent watching the Saints game (WHO DAT BITCHES!) while cleaning out our bedroom closet.
I gathered 8 bags/boxes of items that we then delivered to Goodwill.
Sunday, after delivering the bags/boxes to Goodwill, I cleaned the bathroom and linen closet.
With bleach.
So now I smell bleach with every breath and taste it with every swallow.
Powerful shit that there bleach and boy howdy it sure does the trick!
So kids … what did you do this weekend?
Surely nothing as fun as being “boooo”ed at Wal-Mart.
  • Share/Bookmark

Compensation shall be rendered in the form of salted peanuts.

4 Comments »

Remember being a little kid and plane travel was total super hero shit?

I was 7 when I first flew to Vancouver, Washington to visit T-ma and T-pa.  Baby sister, at a too-early-to-travel 6 months, sat on mom’s lap and slept most the way.

Well, except for when she was vomiting.

The stewardess gave me a pair of shiny, silver wings.  I felt like a celebrity.

So many different faces, accents, flares of fashion and they were all beautiful.  But none as beautiful as the stewardesses.

Perfect hair.  Perfect lipstick.  Perfect a-line skirts that revealed legs long and shiny from their different shades of hosiery.

I looked forward to visiting my west side relatives for the plane ride as much as the family if I am to be honest.

Now … well … good lawd where to start on air travel in the 21st century?

To insure I am able to white knuckle the edges of serenity, I’m NOT going to get started.

‘Coz sometimes I don’t enjoy getting started.

No.

Today we are going to talk about one of the last great treasures of the friendly skies.

Skymall Magazine.

I want, but can not afford, every-single-thing in the Skymall Magazine.

Geeky gadgets?

OH YES!

Strange outdoor furniture?

OH YES!

Heck, they even have clothing.

Now, before I continue, you must know something.

Michael don’t talk much.

Most probably because I don’t give him an opportunity to talk that much.

I am wired like a nicotine fiend.

If Michael speaks, it’s about to funny.

Always.

No matter what.

Okay … back to the story ..

So we are traveling to New Orleans, shoved entirety too intimately to the person beside me and flipping through a Skymall yawning intentionnally trying to get my damned ears to pop when …

“Hold up, turn back.”

Before I could move to turn page, he flipped back 10 pages .. then back again 4 pages … “that’s the most horrible invention.”

“Why would you do that?”

“What baby, what!!”

He flips to CoverTiques.

CoverTiques

“THAT IS HORRIBLE – WHY?”

“You just went from ‘hey sexy’ …..

CoverTiques - tallhotblond

to ‘no grandma, I do NOT want any of your butterscotch’ …

CoverTiques - grammaThis, lovelies, is reason number 17,540 why I keep him.

  • Share/Bookmark

I like to win things.

4 Comments »

I like books.

I like contests.

I love my SIL.

Go enter and see if you can win.

I mean, no doubt, I got this one … fosho … but go enter anway ‘coz I said so.

books

  • Share/Bookmark

Porn. For the blind.

2 Comments »

Yes, you read that correctly.

I take a couple of days off from the interwebz and the gods smile down upon me with the most awesome thing of all things awesome.

Porn for the Blind.

How has this little gem slipped past me, the educator of all things naste?

How could I be so inconsiderate to think that the visually impaired don’t like to get their porn on?  I like to get my porn on (oh yes), you like to get your porn on (you do so quit lying), and now I have been educated on how the blind get their porn on.

That’s beautiful man.

  • Share/Bookmark

I can’t save you, heck, I can’t save myself.

2 Comments »

This site is absolutely gangsta!!

*dangles pocket watch*

Breathe deeply and do exactly as I say …

Visit Save The Words now.

Right now.

No, no, no – not click away to porn … adopt a word at Save The Words.

  • Share/Bookmark