Archive for the ‘Pix’ Category
Mar 10
23
No one hates kids more than I do. Without question. No one is combatting that.
But if you’re gonna have ‘em, please (please, please, please) do your best to NOT create a FSKA (Future Serial Killers of America).
Quit fucking with ‘em is what I’m saying here.
Stop sucking the joy outta major staples of childhood. The most basic of pleasures.
Cereal.
Should kids really be more concerned with fiber content than with the toy inside or the puzzles and riddles outside?
We’ve talked before about sticking fiber where it don’t fucking belong but this is the line.
This is it!
Fruit Loops?
Count Chocula would have kicked the ass of [err, sucked the blood of] anyone even suggesting that they place a bigass fiber ribbon on his box.
See that thing in the bottom right-hand corner? That’s where the prize is described. 3 Monster Stamps.
Three kewler-than-life Monster Stamps.
NOT FIBER DAMMIT!
Stop: Did you get in trouble for digging to the bottom as soon as you open the box? Me too. You never could get that bag to sit right once you dug to the bottom. But when you’re a kid you don’t give two shits.
And they shouldn’t give two shits. They’re kids.
Anyway, what I’m saying is, kids should be more concerned with the toy than anything having to do with their doodie hole. Okay?
More Count Chocula, less doodie hole, at the breakfast table.
Feb 10
21
Who says aging can’t be fun? Well, at least that is how the marketing team of Reversa views it.
Wrinkle cream sounds like the most boring thing in the whooooole world now don’t it?
*pssst* I’ll letcha in on a little secret. IT IS. Boring, boring, boring regimen that you become so accustomed to that you don’t think about it.
Well, now I think about it.
I think about Reversa’s Antioxidant Booster Serum.
The 70’s porn music actually made me LOL. I’d like to be honest right here and say that I didn’t even notice there was music until the 2nd time I watched it. Or maybe it was the 3rd time. Whatevs.
I think it is most important to focus on your nighttime moisturizing regimen. Reversa’s Corrective Night Cream can help you with that.
Okay, when he popped that bottle of champagne with his hatchet, I almost lost my fucking mind right there. If you need me I’ll be out back rubbing two sticks together.
Don’t forget about your everyday regimn ladies. Even if you are running a quick errand, any time in the sun is too much time in the sun. So please allow me to be so bold as to recommend Reversa’s UV Anti-Wrinkle Cream SPF 15.
Is it cheating if I just dump a bag of bird seed on top my ride? It is? Shit, I knew it.
It is a fact of life that as we age, no matter how gracefully, there will be spots involved. I have no doubt my liver spots will start appearing in short order as my liver has been bad pretty much my whole life and I have punished it appropriately. When those pesky spots creep onto the landscape, try Reversa’s UV Anti-Spot Lightening Cream.
When he spanked it, I fell out. I jumped up outta my chair, laptop falling to the floor and it took more than a few moments to collect myself. Oh yes stranger baker man, spank it HARDER next time.
Saving the best for last, or at least my favorite fantasy, if you have any *cough* rough spots, take a chance on Reversa’s Skin Smoothing Cream.
I mean, good lawd – he does windows!!
Remember that no matter what those Axe commercials would have you believe, most chics dig it when their man smells like a hardworking man. With callouses on his hands and sweat running down his back, muscles bulging under the vibration of ……
Sorry, got a little excited there.
So tell me ladies, which product is your favorite fantasy, er, I mean, your most needed product?
Feb 10
19
A co-worker recently started dating a fellow so, of course, me being me, I was all up in her bidness about the scoop.
You know – THE scoop.
THE scoop we women always say we never talk about while blushing appropriately. Yes, that exact scoop.
Let me explain why it is important to get THE scoop early on in the game.
Reason being there is a proportionate increase/decrease as to the level of bullshit we women will tolerate as a direct result of THE scoop.
If you haven’t been paying attention or know absolutely nothing about woman, I am talking about the penis.
Yes, we woman do talk about the size of your penis.
And remember all those times we said size don’t matter and we still love you anyway?
Yeh, we were lying.
It matters.
Not like we won’t still date you or even marry you but, as stated above, there is a proportionate reduction as to the amount of bullshit we will tolerate and it is directly linked to the use, size, swing and function of the penis.
Dick so hard a cat caint scratch it? You are allowed to burn down the house.
Driven hard over the back of the couch with the blinds open? Feel free to shoot the president in the face.
Small snickerdoodle? Then you making my fucking breakfast and you better consider yourself lucky I let you stay here.
Or maybe you have a fully functioning mouth like this one:
Then maybe you can stay.
Maybe.
